第3章 埃里克03
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第3章埃里克03(第1/2页)
一早，浓浓啃面包时，不小心把犬齿给硌掉了，说话漏风。
她闭着还在滋滋冒血腥味的嘴，含着一嘴淡盐水，还没来得及吐出来。管家匆匆赶来，条例有序地撤走餐桌上的早餐，“玛丽，让厨房做一份冷牛肉清汤。小姐，掉牙是肉体衰朽与原罪的提醒，在换出体面的新牙之前，请务必捂住嘴，万万不可在客人面前露出半点破绽，那将是整座府邸的耻辱！”
浓浓破防了。
[4月8日：不开心，牙掉了，笑起来像个小瘪三，管家说这是原罪，我想说上帝就是个老瘪三！]
四月刚入春时巴黎还偏凉。一到五六月份，天气转暖，贵族社交季进入最高潮。
露天花园茶会、赛马会、沙龙、杜伊勒里宫舞会接踵而至。
隆尚赛马会每周一次，小孩子作为迷你绅士淑女，必须跟随父母出行充当吉祥物。浓浓必须忍受几个小时的烈日，以及周围大人们虚伪刺耳的寒暄，因为她掉牙了，全程还得时刻谨记自己不能张嘴。
[5月25日：不开心，隆尚赛马会。本人现在充分理解上层人的傲慢！都离老子远点，再跟我寒暄我就咬死你！]
布洛涅森林的午后巡游，每天下午4点到6点，全巴黎的体面人都会坐着敞篷马车在林荫道上慢速巡游，互相脱帽致意。小孩必须穿着精致坐在马车后座，充当家庭美满幸福的背景板。
[6月1日：开心，一路的马粪，晒干的马粪被车轮碾成黄褐色粉末，在太阳底下漫天飞舞，贵族真是一群不怕嘴里进屎的神仙。幸好我掉牙了不用张嘴，耶！]
夏季最痛苦的要数儿童专属舞会。
那完全是一个专门折磨小孩的舞会。一个上流社会孩子一年参加专属的次数，取决于家族所在的社交圈有多大。
大规模的舞会上百人，小规模的二三十人，请一个钢琴师伴奏。大人们全坐在四周的长椅上端着茶杯，像挑剔的裁判一样盯着场地中央的孩子们跳四组舞和华尔兹。
大夏天跳舞，如果跳错了步子，或者踩到了舞伴的脚，回去就是一顿戒尺伺候。
查尔斯加尼尔眼下是全法兰西最炙手可热的新贵建筑师，顶着第二帝国国家工程的桂冠。母亲路易丝为了给丈夫拉拢人脉，恨不得把第九区所有体面沙龙的请柬都接个遍。
浓浓以为这就已经是最痛苦的了，没想到还有更绝的事。
那个该死的蠢皇后！欧仁妮皇后！全欧洲最狂热的时尚皇后！那个女人凭借着一己之力，把全欧洲的女人们，全都塞进了一个叫克里诺林大撑裙的铁鸟笼里！
动辄两米以上的钢圈直径。
大人发疯就算了，小孩也要穿上直径一米多宽的铁鸟笼。
当那座由一层层钢丝、骨架、白棉衬裙以及蕾丝堆叠而成的移动金字塔套上身时，浓浓整个人都麻了。她像个被插在巨大奶油蛋糕顶端的蜡烛，双手够不到自己的膝盖，走路时下半身根本不能迈大步，只能像幽灵一样在裙摆里小幅度倒腾碎步，整座钢圈骨架随着她的动作一颤一晃，宛如一只失控的大钟摆。
由于裙摆太大，钢圈一旦受压就会往上翘起。马车夫必须拆掉一边座椅，浓浓就是这么半跪在马车上前往舞会。
（本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读）第3章埃里克03(第2/2页)
儿童舞会变成了移动鸟笼的碰碰车现场！
[8月8日：开心。我单方面宣布欧仁妮皇后是全法兰西最伟大的发明家！这个直径一米二的铁笼子只要往地上一蹲，裙摆一落，一边拉屎还能一边优雅地喝着下午茶。遮风挡雨，就地成坑，走哪拉哪！感谢帝国，感谢裙撑，让我拥有一座随身携带的移动厕所。赞美上帝！]
[8月9日：不开心。一掀被子差点没把我脚趾头砸折，居然是一本硬皮精装的《悲惨世界》！还有雨果亲笔签名！到底是哪个居心叵测的乱臣贼子想暗害本小姐？我艾丽丝加尼尔可是上帝座下最体面高贵的帝国贵族少女！这种教唆犯法充满贫民窟臭气的堕落禁书简直是对法兰西上流社会的公然亵渎！]
[10月15日：不开心。浪费了几个月睡大觉的时间！关于《悲惨世界》总结：一个中年男人为了两截蜡烛和一块面包折腾了半辈子。中间水了至少十万字的下水道科普。]
埃里克看到这篇日记气得都想当场绞死这个邪恶儿童！
她口中的雨果那长篇大论的下水道史诗，在整个人类文学界都堪称惊世骇俗的社会学解剖，在他眼里更是少有的把黑暗脏污写出宏伟骨骼的文字！
结果到了这个人类幼崽嘴里，居然是凑字数的水文？
他无法容忍自己的品味被一个小鬼如此亵渎！
每天晚上睡觉前，浓浓照例从床底下摸出自己的日记本，小手一抬，正打算写下未来见证历史的大作！她有预感，百年后这本日记肯定会畅销，到时候她就是法国鲁迅的存在！名垂青史！
翻到最新的一页之前，浓浓捏着纸的手指顿住了。
昨晚的日记最下方，赫然出现一串不属于她的字迹，宛如铜版印刷体的法文花体小字。
[第一，那叫银烛台，加尔瓦尼电镀法还没普及到用蜡烛当通用货币。
第二，下水道不是科普，是整座巴黎唯一诚实的血管。
第三，能把帝国禁书读成面包促销账本，加尼尔先生为你聘请的家庭教师确实罪该万死。
第四，不要试图向任何人吐露这段墨迹的存在，除非你希望明天清晨你的尸体出现在下水道的集水闸门里。
第五，你那蚯蚓一样的字迹严重污染了这本优质羊皮纸本子。如果再让我看到你把巴黎写成几条线，我会带着戒尺替加尼尔先生尽一尽管教的义务。]
浓浓把这些字来来回回看了十几遍，破防了！
这年头连半夜潜入的变态都嘲讽她！她气得整个人都在发抖，大手一挥，抖着笔写下一大串粗暴狂草的大字，一笔一划力透纸背地在下方疯狂回击——
[第一，银烛台就算拿去当当，换来的法郎难道不是拿来买面包？你装什么圣母耶稣上帝！
第二，下水道是巴黎唯一诚实的血管——因为它和巴黎的良心一样，又臭又黑，还堵！
第三，家庭教师罪该万死，你罪该万死乘二！
第四，怕死就不是法兰西人！你有本事弄死我啊！来啊！
第五，字写不好关你屁事！]
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